Surrender
by HazelMirror410
Summary: When Hikaru and Kaoru begin to drift apart, a line is crossed and their relationship may never be the same. HikaKao Pairing, Twincest, Hika POV and pt 2 now up! Feedback much needed!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I felt like I just had to write this story. I love the twins; I think they have the most interesting dynamic out of all of the characters. This particular chapter is from Kaoru's POV, but I do have a rough draft version of Hikaru's POV, because I think it's imperative to the story to understand both sides. Especially since the twins seem to interpret things so differently. (Kaoru's was just a little bit easier to write so I started out with his side haha) I have to also admit that Kaoru is my favorite character. My little fangirl heart just can't contain his selflessness! So anyways, I don't own the characters of Ouran Highschool Host Club. And if I did it would be a very different type of show… *cackles maniacally* **

**P.S. Feedback would sure motivate me to get that second chapter up a looot quicker:P**

I had always known that Hikaru and I would grow apart. I just hadn't expected it to happen like this.

Things had actually been looking up for a while. I felt conflicted about Hikaru leaving me to pursue Haruhi, even though a dark part of me just knew that Haruhi didn't have those types of feelings for either me or Hikaru. No matter what happened, my older brother was going to get hurt. I had tried my hardest to soften the blow when it came, and it had worked. Or so I thought.

Hikaru took it a lot better than I had expected. I had always thought he liked Haruhi, perhaps even more than I did, but in the end he didn't even seem all to upset over losing her. As the club members slowly started to become more independent, Hikaru and I did too. He even dyed his hair a dark ash color so we could be told apart more easily. I didn't really mind all that much. I had known all along we would have to grow apart, as I said before. The only complaint I had was that he hadn't discussed it with me first. Not that I fully expected him to discuss every single little decision with me before taking action- it was just it seemed that this one had concerned both of us. I had just thought that no matter how far apart we grew, our appearance would always be something we shared.

Beyond the hair dying incident though, nothing had changed at all. I had approached the topic of moving into different rooms on more than one occasion, and had only received a cold stare and then a chuckle. In fact, the more independence I tried to give us, the more Hikaru seemed to cling to me. It was a familiar contradiction. We wanted to be apart, we wanted to cling to each other for dear life. The result was that Hikaru dragged me every where, never letting me out of his sight for a single second, but remained emotionally distant. We didn't talk as much as we used to, we didn't scheme, we didn't even have our usual before-bed chats. We were always together though. I remained a constant presence by his side. I missed the old us. Even if we were twisted and completely dysfunctional before, anything would be better than the crushing silence between us.

It all started on a day just like any other. Hikaru and I sat in the limo on the way home from school. With the seniors gone, the host club had disbanded. We still all saw each other, just not as often as before. After school nowadays, Hikaru and I would get done with our last class, then rush home to sit in silence in our room together reading book or listening to music. That day, Hikaru and I were smushed together in the back of the limo. There was plenty of room on the bench, yet whenever I would inch away, Hikaru would only scoot closer until I was pressed against the door and he was sitting as close as humanly possible to me. He would have been in my lap if he could have. He held my hand softly in his lap and our shoulders were flush against each other. He wasn't only giving me the silent treatment today; he was also avoiding eye contact. Until Hikaru started acting this way, I had always thought I could understand what he was thinking. Now I was never sure. I had never felt so emotionally disconnected from my twin and it was almost enough to bring me to tears. I didn't know how much longer I could stand this anymore. Everything inside me was boiling up until finally I had to look at him. I had to say something.

"Hikaru?" I asked softly. I was greeted by only a soft grunt.

"Hikaru, please look at me? Please?" I pleaded. I could feel a whine creeping into my voice. Hikaru must have heard it too because he finally turned and looked into my eyes. I stared deeply into his golden orbs. It had been a long time since I had done so and I was shocked to find they weren't how I remembered them. They held no spark.

"Hika, what's happening to us?" I whispered because looking into his dead eyes snuffed out any confidence my voice might have held.

My question seemed to surprise him. His grip on my hand tightened and his eyes widened. Then he hung his head.

"I'm so sorry Kaoru. This is entirely my fault."

I just stared at him with a blank face. What in the world was he talking about? I was the one who pushed him away- who made a big deal about independence. How could any of this be his fault? I opened my mouth to argue with him, but faltered when he turned again to look back at my, his eyes ablaze.

"I'm gonna fix this Kaoru, ok? Whatever happens, just know that I will always be there for you when you need me." His eyes bore into mine. I didn't know if I could speak, so I just nodded my head. He sighed and pulled me to him, putting one arm around my back and another behind my head to hold me to his chest. I put my palm against his breast pocket and listened for the beat of his heart.

The drive home ended far too quickly. The limo pulled up in front of our house and Hikaru slid across the bench seat pulling me with him and gently tugging me from the car. He didn't let go of my hand as he dragged me through the front door, up the stairs and into our bedroom. He even held on to me as he locked the door and led me to our king sized bed, gently pushing me down to sit on the soft downy comforter. I sat in silence, waiting for his explanation and feeling very confused.

"Kaoru, how do you know if you love someone?" He asked suddenly while he held both of my hands and avoided my eyes.

The question caught me off guard. I wasn't really sure what he was getting at, so I answered what I thought was probably closest to the truth, "I guess you just know?"

This didn't seem to satisfy him, so I continued with "Maybe you know you're in love when you can't stop thinking about a person. When you'd do anything for them no matter what as long as they're happy, because seeing them happy makes you happy too. Maybe love is just one big self-sacrifice?"

He remained quiet for a moment, then he looked at me with a determination I hadn't seen from him in quite a while. Then he spoke, "Do you trust me Kaoru?"

"What kind of question is that?" I scoffed, "Of course I do, Hika."

A soft smile played across his lips and he lifted his hand to my face. His fingers traced a pattern on my cheek and then tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear. Then he cupped my head at the nape of my neck, the pad of his thumb placing pressure at the intersection of my jaw and my earlobe, and the rest of his fingers pulling the back of my neck, tilting my head upwards so I was looking up at him as he stood over me. He began to bend down towards me, closing the gap between us. Before I even had time to protest, or overanalyze the situation, his lips were on mine, pressing gently. It wasn't necessarily gentle, but it wasn't rough either. Mostly I was just concerned about why my brother had decided to kiss me in the middle of our bedroom on an otherwise completely average day.

Hikaru pulled away, but kept his hand at the back of my neck. I looked directly into his amber eyes with what I'm sure was a confused gaze. His eyes darkened and he then moved very quickly. He took his free hand and placed it at the small of my back. He then pulled me to him with a sharp jerk, causing me to seek stability in the closest object: Hikaru's chest. Both of my hands were placed flat against the lapels of his blazer and I gripped the fabric a little in order to make sure I wouldn't fall. At the same moment, he moved towards me, pressing his lips to mine again. He pulled away and came back several more times.

I was more confused than ever. He had been asking me about love before he started kissing me. Was there someone he had started to gain affection for? That would make sense, wouldn't it? That was probably why he had been acting so weird lately. Someone had caught his attention, and in order to avoid another incident like the one with Haruhi, he was trying to keep it a secret from me. This was probably conflicting with our instinctive need to never abandon each other, explaining why he would be confused and keep me close by. As for the kissing, he had never kissed anyone besides me as far as I knew, and even then we had been children. We had experienced most things together, so it made sense he had wanted to try this out on me before he took the next step with this mystery lover.

Content with this solution, I decided to let Hikaru have this moment and I put up no fight as he began to lay me down on the bed, kissing me more deeply now. His lips left mine for a moment as he put his hands underneath my armpits, gently lifting me and pressing me back onto the pillows so that I lay completely on the bed. Then he crawled on top of me, straddling my waist and kissing me again as he began to remove my blazer and tie.

Once he had removed the first few layers of both of our clothing, he leaned down and kissed me roughly. I was a little surprised by his aggression and I let out a small gasp, clutching his shoulder a little more tightly. Was this part of the plan? I had thought he wanted to practice kissing, but the line seemed so blurred now. I was confused.

Hikaru hooked his thumbs into my waistband and gave a short tug. I began to think this might not be what I thought it was and it started to scare me a little. I wasn't sure what to do. Should I stop him now? What would happen if I did? Would he make fun of me? Would this small strand of brotherly trust we had for each other finally snap? I hadn't expected it to go this far really. Was this some kind of game? If so, I didn't know whether I would be losing or winning if I stopped him. I had a feeling if I stopped him, things would become very awkward, very fast. I couldn't stand to lose Hikaru, it was the last thing I wanted. There had always been a line in a relationship that we had been careful to never cross; sure we had toed it more than a few times, but we had been certain to never cross it lest we confuse ourselves. With Hikaru's mouth on mine and his hands all over my body my mind was clouding. I wasn't sure who was who anymore. It was like our old childhood fear that we would become one person for real.

Suddenly, a very awful thought hits me: what if this isn't an act? What if, after those years spent in the host club, the line became too blurred for Hikaru? What if this is what he wants?

It only takes me a split second to decide that if this is what Hikaru wants, who am I to withhold it from him? I had always thought Hikaru's happiness was most important, so if this is what he wanted from me, I could definitely give him this one little thing. After all, we shared everything. Giving him my body was no big deal. We practically had the same one anyways. Anything I had was his to take.

Hikaru was tugging my pants off of me and taking my boxers with them. Then, with the task only half completed, his mouth was back on mine again, placing hot, urgent kisses. His arms cradled my head, forcing me against him and kissing me with more desperation than I'd ever seen him exhibit before in my life. He flicked his tongue against my lips. I knew that meant something, but everything was happening so fast I couldn't remember what to do. I had never kissed or been kissed like this before.

Then I felt a sharp pinch on the shallow skin at my ribs and heard Hikaru growl against my lips "open your mouth Kaoru." I obediently did as I was told, taking a shallow intake of air I hadn't realized I needed as Hikaru's tongue invaded my mouth, doing all sorts of weird and not-so-unpleasant things. He released a low moan into my mouth and it vibrated everywhere, giving me the oddest sensation. I was flustered and slightly confused, but I wasn't exactly disgusted as I probably should have been. I mean, after all, my brother was kissing me and undressing me and I was just letting it happen. I trusted Hikaru and I knew he would never hurt me, but certainly this was not a normal situation, right? Should I be…enjoying this?

A million and one thoughts were racing through my head and I almost missed Hikaru's low murmur against my lips, "Stop me Kao. Stop me."

"…Hika?" I asked, confused and placing a gentle pressure on his chest to push him away. I was more confused than ever know and I stared up at him, wondering if he was finally going to explain what the hell was going on.

My brother leveled his face with mine and ran his fingers through my hair. His golden eyes burned into mine and he spoke very deliberately, as if he were choosing his words carefully, "Kaoru, I want you to trust me, but I don't want to hurt you. Why do you let me do thee things to you? What is it that you want?"

His words scared me. Had this been a game all along? He hadn't really explained anything at all. Furthermore, I didn't understand his question. I didn't know what I wanted. On one hand, I knew Hikaru and I couldn't possibly be together _forever_. Even though we were twins, one day we would grow up, get married have families, and be separated. It was the way the world worked. Maybe Hikaru had gone too far this time. This would make it harder to separate, harder to be apart. How could I tell him that, though, when his eyes were looking so desperately into mine? How could I break his heart when he was clinging to me as if I were the very air he required to survive? I knew the correct answer. I knew what I had to tell him.

Finally, I nodded my head and mustered up my best smile. "I want whatever you want Hikaru. You know that." Whatever happened, I would do whatever it took to make my twin happy.

Unfortunately, this didn't seem to be the answer Hikaru had wanted to hear. He released his hold on me and rolled off of me. I propped myself up on my elbows to look at him, forgetting my pants were still half on, half off. I must have looked ridiculous as I gazed at him with one eyebrow raised.

For the love of God, what the hell was happening here? I just wanted answers, but Hikaru seemed so… unstable. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands and rocking back and forth ever so slightly. Now didn't seem to be the proper time for an interrogation. I caught the end of a whisper and listened more carefully to hear what he was mumbling under his breath.

"Damn. Damn I should have known."

"Hikaru?"

My brother turned to face me and grabbed me roughly by the shoulders. I flinched slightly. I had to admit I was starting to lose my patience with his secrecy and his bipolar attitude.

He looked at me with desperation and asked me in a low and intense voice, "Kaoru, is there anything you wouldn't do for me? Anything at all? Think about it very seriously."

Is this some kind of really stupid test? Was this whole thing a joke?

I pulled my pants back up and put my hand on his shoulder in what I hoped was an affectionate gesture.

"I would do anything for you Hikaru, you know that. You're the most important person in my life." I recited cheerfully, hoping to lift his spirits and get that dark gloomy look off his face. I knew Hikaru had needed reassurance sometimes, but this seemed different than before. Something was going on that he wasn't telling me about.

"That's exactly the problem" Hikaru grumbled. He looked so upset and I didn't know what to do or say. Not knowing how to comfort him was the most disconcerting feeling in the world.

"Sorry Hikaru, but I'm a bit lost. What exactly _is_ the problem?"

There was a slight pause and then he looked up at me, golden eyes seething with rage. It was a look I had seen directed at other people many times, but never at me. I felt myself shrink away from him.

"You know what the problem is Kaoru?" He began coldly, "its you. You're what's wrong with me. You're ruining me. I just want you to leave me alone."

"Oh" I managed to squeak out.

Oh. My brain felt like it was on fire. My hand dropped from his shoulder. I felt like lead weights had been tied to my limbs. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing almost immediately. What was he saying? I knew he'd been avoiding me lately, but I thought he had wanted me by him. I had tried to give him emotional distance, but had I unintentionally been suffocating him? I was so stupid. I thought I'd been doing what was best for Hikaru, but really I'd just been ruining us, tearing us apart.

I got up from the bed slowly and carefully, backing away from my brother. I felt a snap inside of me and I knew I had felt my heart break. I gasped as a let out a choked sob. I wanted to die. I was the most despicable human being on the planet. How could I have hurt him so badly? He was the only person I had ever wanted to protect and I had fucked everything up. I had only one purpose in my life. And I had failed at it.

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran from the room, and dove into the first available guest bedroom. I threw myself on the bed and allowed the sobs to flow from me until I was a gasping, hiccupping mess, and eventually, I fell into a horrible, achy sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Surrender pt 2:**

**Hikaru's POV**

**I do not own OHSHC**

**A/N: Sorry this update took so long. It's really hard to write from Hikaru's point of view, because no one really knows what he's thinking and we only ever get Kaoru's pov in the anime. One has to take everyone else's interpretations of his actions as fact, so I had to use a lot more imagination than I had anticipated to figure out how I wanted Hikaru's personality to be in order to take the story where I want to go with it. I hope it turned out okay and not too OOC.**

**This chapter is dedicated to Selo Bance who supplied me with the single only review I received and renewed my interest and motivation to keep working on this story! Thank you so much. I think I have a pretty good idea about where this story is going so I'll hopefully be updating more regularly!**

People always thought I was the dense one. I suppose I couldn't begrudge them that. Everyone always seemed to know what I was thinking before I did; especially my little twin brother. For the longest time I guess he thought I was in love with Haruhi. I remember those words he said, "I love you, but I love him more."

Those words made me angry. I was upset with him, and it was a long time before I could sort it all out and truly understand why.

I knew he thought that I was in love with Haruhi, so I guess I just kind of let him believe I was for a while. But I soon came to realize it wasn't Haruhi I was in love with.

Those words:

"I love him more."

What did he mean by that? What did those words mean to me? I went along with whatever Kaoru believed until it finally hit me one day: I wasn't in love with Haruhi, I was in love with Kaoru.

Kaoru, who gave up the first girl he'd fallen in love with because he thought I loved her. Kaoru who would do anything for me. Kaoru who was the selfless twin, the beautiful twin, the one who was good at art and english and could turn a phrase like no other person I'd ever met. I mean, the metaphors that kid would come up with… they were amazing to say the least.

Honestly I had no idea how people couldn't tell us apart. Before I realized I was in love with Kaoru, I loved that people couldn't tell us apart. It was an honor that people believed I looked like Kaoru. Beautiful, graceful, flawless Kaoru.

When I realized I was in love with him, I knew I had to show everyone we weren't the same. I wanted everyone to see how beautiful and unique Kaoru was. I dyed my hair dark. Now I was the dark-haired twin. The corrupted twin. The sinful twin. People knew the difference between us now. Kaoru, who would give up anything for me. And me, who let him. Me who let him give up his love for Haruhi, because I didn't love her. I wanted him to myself. I didn't know if I would ever forgive myself. Kaoru thought he was putting my feelings before his own. It was a noble cause, and it might have even made him happy if I had told him he was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't put Kaoru's feelings first because I was selfish. It would destroy me to lose him. I couldn't give him up. It was a completely unadulterated selfishness that he would never understand and I would never let him know I possessed.

I hoped that by allowing people to distinguish the differences between us, someone would realize how amazing he was and would sweep him off his feet; save him from me. I tried distancing myself from him, but it didn't work out exactly how I'd thought. I didn't want to accidentally hurt him, or ruin our future, but I wanted to push him away just enough so that one day, we'd be able to live separate lives. I knew he had always known that one day we'd have to separate, so he wouldn't be absolutely opposed to the idea, but I myself wasn't entirely ready to give up our relationship yet. The result was that I couldn't allow Kaoru out of my sight, even for a second, but I was afraid to talk to him. I missed what we used to have, even if I was the one who had purposefully destroyed it.

It wasn't long until everything came crashing down. It started on a day just like any other. After our final class, Kaoru and I had rushed out and hopped into our limo, hurrying to get home so we could sit in silence some more.

I had just wanted to sit close to Kaoru, but it seemed like he kept inching away from me. I didn't know if it was conscious or unconscious, but eventually, I found myself pressing him against the door on the opposite side of the car, our shoulders flush against each other. I hadn't even realized I was scooting closer to him until there was no where else for him to go but near me. I took his slender hand in mine and held it softly in my lap. I had always been amazed at how soft Kaoru's hands were. It was one of the only features we had that made us different. Kaoru had our mother's hands: long slender fingers and well groomed nails. He had always lamented over the fact that he had such feminine hands, but I knew they were one of his best features. He had an artist's hands- dainty, elegant. They contrasted my equally long, but much thicker fingers. I bit my nails down to the stub and my hands were less intriguing- they dwarfed Kaoru's.

I was staring down at our hands. We always held each other's in order to disguise the fact that they made us not completely identical. I faintly heard Kaoru's voice, summoning me from my thoughts and I released a soft grunt to let him know I was listening.

"Hikaru, please look at me? Please?" I heard his soft voice say. There was something in his tone I couldn't quite detect. Sadness? Angst? I looked up at him, realizing that I'd been avoiding his eyes and hoping that his face would give away the mysterious emotion I couldn't detect in his voice.

"Hika, what's happening to us?" He whispered. I felt my eyes widen. My hold on his hand tightened in case he decided to pull away. I knew, looking into his eyes in that moment that he was scared and I couldn't stand to look at him for another second. I knew I would lose it, so I looked down at my lap.

"I'm so sorry Kaoru, this is all my fault." I knew this wasn't a very good explanation, and it certainly wasn't the one he was looking for, but it was the truth. It was then that I knew that I couldn't hide from him any longer. I wasn't going to let him know the exact truth though. I knew Kaoru would never reject me for my feelings towards him, and that was the problem. He would let me do whatever I wanted to him, it was his biggest weakness.

I wasn't sure exactly what my plan was yet- it was only half formulated, but I knew after today, everything would change. I looked up at my sweet little brother with a new sense of determination.

"I'm gonna fix this Kaoru, ok? Whatever happens, just know that I will always be there for you when you need me." I looked directly into his eyes, gauging his reaction. I saw that he was still slightly confused, but he gave a small nod and I pulled him towards me, pressing my hand on his back to bring him closer and cupping the back of his head with my hand, holding him against my chest. One of his hands, the hands I loved so much, came to rest of the breast pocket of my uniform and I felt him relax against me. I just wanted to hold him like this forever, and the drive home seemed to end far too soon for my taste.

Before I knew it, we were parked in front of the house. I knew Kaoru wanted answers and with my plan still only half-formulated, I opened the door to the limo, beating our driver to it, and pulled Kaoru out of the vehicle, dragging him through the door. I held on to his precious hand and I didn't let go until we were in the safety of our bedroom. I even held on to him as I locked the door and walked him to our bed. I gently pushed down on his shoulders for him to sit down on the massive downy comforter, and I held both of his hands, looking into his eyes as I posed the question, "Kaoru, how do you know you love someone?"

I knew I was in love with Kaoru, so I didn't ask him in order to receive advice, I just wanted to understand how to explain to Kaoru that we couldn't be as close anymore without breaking his heart. If it came down to it, I would let Kaoru hate me before I ruined his life for my own selfish pleasures. I had to do what was best for Kaoru. I had to do what he would do in this situation.

At first, he didn't give me a very good answer, settling for the generic, "I guess you just know?" I remained quiet in the hopes that he would elaborate his answer.

His next words shattered my world and my hopes.

"Maybe you know you're in love when you can't stop thinking about a person? When you'd do anything for them no matter what as long as they're happy, because seeing them happy makes you happy too. Maybe love is just one big self- sacrifice?"

When did my little brother get so wise? I knew then that I had to let Kaoru go. I had to let him go so that he could be happy. I had to do what I had neglected to do before when he had 'given up Haruhi for me'.

I knew Kaoru wouldn't just let me give up on him though, I had to push him away. It was going to hurt like hell. Before I did that, I just wanted one little taste of what could have been. Just one little sample; something to get me by in the lonely nights sure to come.

I looked up into Kaoru's wide amber eyes and with the highest level of confidence I could muster, asked, "Do you trust me, Kaoru?"

He smiled at me. It was the most breath-taking smile I had ever seen. I realized I hadn't seen him genuinely smile in a very long time and that made me sad. He spoke in the melodic, yet mischievous voice I'd come to dream about at night, "Of course I do, Hika. What kind of question is that?"

I couldn't help but to smile at him. His words made everything seem ok. Like everything was going to go back to the way it used to be. I knew better, though. I knew this would be the last time I would ever be this comfortable with my twin brother.

I reached out to Kaoru, drawing a gentle pattern on the soft skin of his cheek and tucking a piece of his downy hair behind his ear. It was getting long because we'd neglected getting our hair cut recently, having forgone our typical spiky hairstyles for much more natural ones. I let my hand fall to his neck, feeling his pulse and placing my thumb at the junction of his jaw and his earlobe. I placed a bit of pressure at the nape of his neck with the rest of my fingers, tilting his face up to mine as I looked down at him. I measured my breaths. I had to be very careful now. I had to maintain absolute self-control, and I knew that was not my strong point. Kaoru was my weakness and I couldn't hurt him any more than my plan allowed.

I began to slowly close the gap between us, but found myself unconsciously quickening my pace as I realized that if I wanted this, I shouldn't give him enough time to question. I firmly placed my lips over his and instantly felt my heart ignite. The emotion that overcame my senses, was so overwhelming, that I had to break away for a moment.

I pulled away and looked into his wide, surprised golden eyes. My brother had never looked so delectable, so irresistible, before even I could fully comprehend what was happening, I had pulled him towards myself and I was claiming his lips once again. I had a single taste and I couldn't get enough. As I pulled him forward, his hands came to rest on my chest, clutching the fabric of my blazer.

I was met with no resistance as I claimed his plump, delicious lips again and again. I couldn't stop myself. I had known it would be hard to resist him after only one taste, but it was as if my mind was clouded with Kaoru. I couldn't think about anything other than being close to him.

I wanted to touch more of him. I laid him down gently on the bed and deepened the kiss, pressing against him just a touch more roughly. I lifted him to lay against the pillows and feeling how submissive his response was, I attacked his lips. I felt his body tremble beneath mine as I straddled him and took his lips aggressively. I didn't part from his lips once as I removed his tie and blazer; I just needed to be in contact with more of his skin, I wanted to feel all of it.

Kaoru let loose a little gasp in response to my aggression and I found myself instantly responding physically below the belt. He made the most beautiful noises. But he was still wearing too many layers. I wanted him beneath me completely exposed. I wanted to own all of him, I wanted to touch him and feel every part of his body, I just plain wanted him.

I hooked my thumbs into his waistband and gave a short tug. I wanted them off, but as soon as the garments slid down a little, I felt Kaoru stiffen ever so slightly, and I came back up to place urgent, demanding kisses on his delectable little mouth. I cradled his head in my arms and forced his lips against mine more roughly, trying to extract some type of reaction from him. He was half heartedly responding. I knew he was trying to let me have my way, but he wasn't really sure yet.

I probed his lips with my tongue, trying to part them, but he didn't respond. I tried again and met the same result. Finally, I resorted to pinching him on the ribs, growling, "Open your mouth, Kaoru."

Honestly, I don't know where _that_ came from… I had just wanted to taste more of him, to make him feel how badly I wanted him. He gasped just wide enough for me to gain access to his warm cavern and I wasted no time in exploring every inch of it. I was in bliss, but I vaguely recognized that Kaoru still wasn't responding. I let loose a low growl that resounded throughout both of our mouths and kissed him even more urgently. I sensed this little escapade was coming to an end. I was losing steam and Kaoru's lack of response wasn't necessarily encouraging.

Still, why hadn't he responded? One way or the other, he should have done something? Right? I was afraid if Kaoru didn't stop me now, I would just take him. Kaoru, my little Kaoru, he was too willing, too submissive, and I wanted him too badly. I just didn't have the heart to stop myself. I knew he had to be the one to do it. I realized I was almost vocalizing these thoughts, whispering against Kaoru's mouth, asking him to stop me. He had to stop me before I lost all control. I was already ruining us forever, but there was no need for me to take his innocence in the process.

The sick, sadistic part of me that selfishly wanted all Kaoru was willing to give me half hoped that he hadn't heard my whispered pleas, but those hopes were dashed when I felt the gentle pressure of Kaoru's hands against my chest and his voice questioning, ever so softly, "Hika?"

I managed to tear my lips away from his in order to gaze at his face, look into his lovely golden orbs, now laced with confusion. His lips were swollen and bruised and a light dusting of pink lay across his cheeks. I ran my fingers through the sun streaked strands of his auburn hair that I was so envious of and looked down at him sadly. This was it. This was the last time I would see my brother so close. I had to be sure of it.

I wanted to make him understand, but I didn't want to give away too much. He would never let me go if he knew the real reason, if he knew it would hurt me so much for him to leave. I chose my words very carefully, "Kaoru, I want you to trust me, but I don't want to hurt you. Why do you let me do these things to you? What is it that you want?"

I gazed into his eyes, measuring his reaction. He seemed confused and there was a long pause before he cracked a grin and responded cheerfully, but carefully, "I want whatever you want Hikaru. You know that."

I had known that would be his response. I knew Kaoru. Better than anyone, but I wasn't prepared for the strain his answer would put on my heart. This was going to be so much harder than I thought. I pulled away from him and put my head in my hands, muttering, mostly to myself, "Damn. Damn I should have known." I should have known it was going to be a lot more complicated than just a simple kiss, a lot more complicated than pushing him away. He was devoted. I had to make him hate me. I had to make him give up on me entirely. In one final chance to make him understand, I spun back around and grabbed him roughly by the shoulders, gazing into his eyes intently.

"Kaoru, is there anything you wouldn't do for me? Anything at all? Think about it very seriously."

Did he understand what I meant? Did he understand that we couldn't be this way? That he just had to give me up? To, for once in his life, put himself first because that, **that **was what _I_ wanted?

I felt Kaoru's hand gently come to rest on my shoulder. He looked at me with love in his eyes as he stated, "I would do anything for you Hikaru, you know that. You're the most important person in my life."

"That's exactly the problem" I grumbled. I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be the person Kaoru trusts the most. I wanted him in ways no big brother should want the younger. I wanted him in ways that could hurt him. Not only physically, but emotionally. I was bad for him.

"Sorry Hikaru, but I'm a bit lost, what exactly _is_ the problem?"

This was the opportunity I had been waiting for. I knew what I had to say and I knew I had to make him believe it. It was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done.

I summoned up a look of anger and held on to it as I looked directly in his eyes and stated as coldly as I possibly could, "you know what the problem is Kaoru? It's you. You're what's wrong with me. You're ruining me. I just want you to leave me alone."

I saw him shrink away from me and it took every single fiber in my being not to reach out to him and offer him comfort. After my previous loss of self control with him though, I knew I couldn't afford any slip ups. I had to turn away before I lost it.

"Oh." He squeaked.

It broke my heart. I mean, I actually felt my heart breaking inside of me. I felt him get up off the bed and heard the soft padding of his feet as he backed away. He let out a choked sob and I felt the hot burn of tears in my eyes.

When he ran from the room, I let it all loose. The tears came pouring out. I had lost him forever. I had hurt him. I hoped he never forgave me. I hoped he hated me. I knew he would be hurt. _I_ was hurt.

I collapsed onto the bed and grabbed the nearest pillow. It smelled like him. I allowed the sobs to escape my body and fell into the worst, most restless sleep of my life, thinking that tomorrow would be the worst day of my life.

Little did I know that the worst day of my life, was yet to come.


End file.
